Photo by Andy Holzman/LA Daily News


April Fool's Satire Story

April 9, 2018

   Freshman Zoe Campos recently won the CIF state championship for girls’ golf. However, instead of accredditing her success to her family, friends, teammates, or coach for pushing her to the limit and always encouraging her, she accoladed the rat in her hat.

  “Remy (the rat), has really helped me advance my game. He is the key to success for West Ranch golf,” commented Campos.

 We all know that rats have the ideal golf mindset, but should Remy receive all the praise? Campos was already a great player and West Ranch golf has been improving over the past few seasons. However, she chooses to acknowledge Remy in her victory speech instead of Coach Holen and go to the driving range with Remy over her teammates.

  Some argue that Remy may have too much of an influence over her golf career and social life, forcing her to have poor relationships with her teammates and coach. But you cannot argue with success.

  Here’s the science behind it all: When Remy pulls on specialized protein filaments of Campos’ dermis, it enables him to gain control of whatever is in between the glenohumeral joint and the hand.

  However, Remy cannot control just anyone. What sets Campos apart is that she has active rat-otrope cells in her body. These cells then proceed to gather up with each other and develop into rat-etal muscles. The muscles then slowly replace Campos’ skeletal muscles by absorbing them. She has one single muscle on each side of her body that runs from the tips of her fingers, up through her arms, around her esophagus, along the side of her skull, until it arrives at the top of her frontal bone. From the frontal bone, the muscle morphs into rat-ified protein filaments that pierce her skin from the inside, which eventually become the handles for Remy.

  We are not sure how Campos holds the rat-otrope cells, but it is believed that her immense love of cheese attracts rats to emit their rat-mones around her.

  “Nothing seems abnormal to me. I did not take any performance enhancing drugs or anything like that. These qualities were and always will be a part of who I am mentally and physically. Besides, why is anyone questioning me when Tiger Woods has always had a tiny tiger cub in the lining of his shirt? He’s not gaining weight, people; the tiger cub is growing!” replied Campos in response to her critics.

  We’ll see how the NCAA addresses the situation when she reaches the collegiate level, but for now, congratulations to Campos for winning state. We also wish Remy a happy, cheese-filled life.

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